Ellie J Kerbela

Running Scarred Ellie J Kerbela

This is a story of pain, trauma, abuse, promiscuity and self-loathing. This is a story of mood and personality disorders, alcoholism, self-harm, sexual abuse, suicide attempts, insanity and destruction. This is also a story of hope. "From a young age she was different to the other girls. She was an outsider viewing happiness and security from the border, seeing it but not being able to touch it. She grew up in a family where she was loved deeply and sincerely, but those that loved her were in so much pain themselves that they forgot she was only a little girl. She grew up thinking that chaos was normal, that sex meant love and that alcohol was a necessity to cope. She grew up knowing that her feelings did not matter, that her pain was unfounded and that any fears she had were ridiculous. The rage she felt inside was never directed to the source of the hurt, but instead to herself as she felt that everything was her fault. Into her teenage years alcohol, drugs and self-harm became a normal part of every day, being the only place she found solace and comfort. Nothing, not even the love for her children could save her from the path of self-destruction she was on. Her body is covered in the scars of her journey, from her legs and thighs to her arms and torso. She used to be ashamed of them; now she sees them as a reminder of her strength, the lessons she has learned and the gratitude she has today. She lives in daily amends to her children, trying to heal the wounds of the past through honesty, love and staying sober." I have deliberately left out many details of relationships and events that occurred, such as descriptions of houses interiors or weather. A lot of them seemed to somehow fade into insignificance of what I am trying to portray. Somehow the décor of a house felt empty and unimportant against the backdrop of destruction. This is hopefully a story of insight, of strength and of courage, a story to inspire and a story to help you not to give up, to keep going no matter how painful and empty you feel. A warning - This story is a potential trigger.