Darrin Dixon

Broken Road Darrin Dixon

Once upon a time, I viewed the Air Force as my personal entertainment and dating service. I was a hard-charging, well-paid, impeccably-educated, high-functioning, award-winning anesthetist and clinical instructor of anesthesia as well as an Air Force captain on my way to becoming a colonel in record time. Beyond that, I worked in a highly specialized area of the military, dabbling in the shadowy world behind the scenes in places some have never heard of, in situations that rarely make the nightly news. Known by important people, I was a guy who could "get 'er done" no matter what the order or mission at hand. On call twenty-four hours a day, I never knew when my next mission would be called. One moment in the operating room in San Antonio, the next on a plane bound for some unnamed location for reasons I wasn't privy to. Leaving my strict Baptist upbringing behind, I was living my dream of becoming a "hero," while fueling my ever burgeoning need for newness and more, sleeping my way around the world with no rules and no conscience. One woman, my childhood image of the "girl next door," changed all that. We met in the back anesthesia hallway at Wilford Hall U. S. Air Force Medical Center. She, a mere first year anesthesiology resident. Me, a superstar staff nurse anesthetist. Despite her lowly position, she was clearly the kindest and sexiest woman I'd ever met. Within a month of our first date, I chose to forego my aspirations of military glory and "settle down." However, soon after Joan and I married, I felt trapped. Trapped by what I recognized as the mundane life of my parents. Trapped by Joan's desire to bear a child. Trapped to the point that I began fantasizing about her death. Then came the call. Twenty-five weeks into her pregnancy, Joan was diagnosed with leukemia. In the blink of an eye, I was transformed from my own personal cynosure to the husband of the pregnant lady with cancer, caretaker, guardian of my wife and daughter's lives, and reluctant chief decision maker on how to reconcile my desperate desire for her to live with her disdain for life support measures. This story depicts not only the battle against cancer faced by Joan and our unborn child, but also my own attempt to move past earlier misdeeds, desperately praying for a miracle, hoping that, despite my sins, God would deign to save the woman and child I loved. Written from the perspective of a former military true believer who turned his back on dreams of glory, chose love, and became a (hesitant) husband, then single father, Broken Road: A Widower' is similar to Nadia Bolz-Weber's Accidental Saints and Anne Lamott's Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace. It seeks to find goodness in the most unlikely of places and characters - me.