Peggy Chan

The Wayward Sheep Peggy Chan

Do you know that God is Love? Aren't you always taught that? Well, I didn't think so, not when I saw how my mum and sisters suffered and He allowed them to suffer. Where was His love, mercy and compassion? God had never figured in my life, although I was educated in schools run by Christian missionaries. Now I was forced to confront Him. I sat helpless, as copious tears flowed down my sister's cheeks. Her eyes, red and swollen, were pools of bewildered despair. "Why me? Why me? Why?" she sobbed. I knew she was thinking of her children, who were still in high school. They still needed her. What would happen to them? Who would look after them? My heart contracted and my tears welled up as I watched her, consumed by her misery and grief. The doctor had earlier confirmed that she had "the big C." C for Cancer. She had breast cancer. Cancer, the dreaded disease. It strikes terror in all women, especially breast cancer. It meant losing one's crowning glory, becoming bald and ugly. It meant losing one's breasts and becoming de-womanized. It meant Death was beckoning. Having cancer was a fate too horrible to contemplate, let alone for one to accept it. I held my sister's hand, not knowing what to say. Even as my tears rolled down my cheeks, could I in all honesty say, "I wish it were me and not you"? What good would it do, even if it were true? In fact, I was in dread, too. When would it be my turn? I squeezed her hand in our shared grief, hoping to convey what I had no words for. My mind was in turmoil, my thoughts churning over and over. Our mother was at home, dying from cancer and lying in a drug-infused stupor. "Meg, Renee is undergoing emergency surgery. Ovarian cancer, stage four. She may not make it." Dear God! God was taking away three mothers in her family, God who is Love. She had to take on God! Consumed with fear and hatred for God, desperate to help Renee who had a young family dependent on her, find out how Meg, entrenched in the traditions of ancestral worship, stands up to God whom she had rejected over and over. Follow her on her journey, one of conflicts and spiritual awakening.